'So what have you done today, to make you feel proud?' The line from my myspace page shouts at me. Now don't worry, I don't need a straight jacket and my page hasn't gone haywire. No it's the song 'Proud' that was featured in the last episode of Queer as Folk.
Today hadn't been a good day for me. I was feeling down in the dumps about my recent 'break-over' and I didn't really feel like socializing. But I called an old friend anyway. We had coffee and dinner together and then just hung out at her house. She's a senior, just like me, and we've been best friends since 8th grade. Recently with everything going on in both of our lives we've lost touch but today we regained it. It was like old times.
It made me feel good that even though some friends and I haven't talked in a while it doesn't mean they don't care about me. That was a good feeling you know, being cared about? So I made a choice at 10:00 p.m.
I decided to get off my ass again and re-start my exercise regime. I stopped because of the play. I'm sure I can come up with a million reasons not to start up again. But I made a promise to myself, and I need to fulfill that promise now more than ever: to care about myself no matter what.
I don't know if I've already said this in a previous post but you know what they say about repitition. One part of my personal dogma is that you can never be truly happy in a relationship unless you are happy on your own first. I don't know who gave me the idea or why I believe it so feircely but I do.
With that in mind I'm trying to get back on track, a track that'll lead to a better me. And really I don't have to become a supermodel tomorrow, because aside from the fact that it isn't possible, I just have to realize that even the small steps count. As long as the steps are going in the right direction.
I just need to refocus my energy again, energy that was, until recently, directed at being angry and frustrated and sad with my ''ex''. Hell, maybe by the time I'm finished I'll look so good that I won't care what he thinks anymore.
You see, most of my life, all I wanted was to be accepted and loved by someone, anyone. I am working towards not needing and wanting that from anyone, because it's unhealthy. I don't want to have to depend on someone else to be my sun and my moon...it would just be nice if that were the way I saw someone I cared about. If not, then oh well.
I have to get to that place with myself that I'm happy and I can take my shirt off at the pool or not have to suck my gut in for pictures. It's not about the fact that I believe I'm overweight. I know people who are large, and larger than life...and LOVING it. But I'm just not one of those people.
So anyway, thank you for reading, or even if no one is, I just am thankful to finally be getting on the road again.
-J-
