Day 1: "Small changes, are still changes."

'So what have you done today, to make you feel proud?' The line from my myspace page shouts at me. Now don't worry, I don't need a straight jacket and my page hasn't gone haywire. No it's the song 'Proud' that was featured in the last episode of Queer as Folk.

Today hadn't been a good day for me. I was feeling down in the dumps about my recent 'break-over' and I didn't really feel like socializing. But I called an old friend anyway. We had coffee and dinner together and then just hung out at her house. She's a senior, just like me, and we've been best friends since 8th grade. Recently with everything going on in both of our lives we've lost touch but today we regained it. It was like old times.

It made me feel good that even though some friends and I haven't talked in a while it doesn't mean they don't care about me. That was a good feeling you know, being cared about? So I made a choice at 10:00 p.m.

I decided to get off my ass again and re-start my exercise regime. I stopped because of the play. I'm sure I can come up with a million reasons not to start up again. But I made a promise to myself, and I need to fulfill that promise now more than ever: to care about myself no matter what.

I don't know if I've already said this in a previous post but you know what they say about repitition. One part of my personal dogma is that you can never be truly happy in a relationship unless you are happy on your own first. I don't know who gave me the idea or why I believe it so feircely but I do.

With that in mind I'm trying to get back on track, a track that'll lead to a better me. And really I don't have to become a supermodel tomorrow, because aside from the fact that it isn't possible, I just have to realize that even the small steps count. As long as the steps are going in the right direction.

I just need to refocus my energy again, energy that was, until recently, directed at being angry and frustrated and sad with my ''ex''. Hell, maybe by the time I'm finished I'll look so good that I won't care what he thinks anymore.

You see, most of my life, all I wanted was to be accepted and loved by someone, anyone. I am working towards not needing and wanting that from anyone, because it's unhealthy. I don't want to have to depend on someone else to be my sun and my moon...it would just be nice if that were the way I saw someone I cared about. If not, then oh well.

I have to get to that place with myself that I'm happy and I can take my shirt off at the pool or not have to suck my gut in for pictures. It's not about the fact that I believe I'm overweight. I know people who are large, and larger than life...and LOVING it. But I'm just not one of those people.

So anyway, thank you for reading, or even if no one is, I just am thankful to finally be getting on the road again.

-J-

Work Out Regime, Day 2: No Pain, No Gain

Well folks, I've made it. Two days. Not in a row mind you, this is actually day three, but I am only counting the days that I work out. So the title is 'No pain, No gain'.

And let me tell you, I was in a fxck load of pain. I was so sore from exercising that everytime I sat down people gave me the 'I-know-what-you-did-last-night' look. I was embarrased! Such is life, I suppose.

However today, I knew that if I didn't work out then I would be on the track to failure again. In my theory, the first couple of days/weeks are the most important, because if you give up during those times then you have no hope of success. It takes 21 days to form a habit (at least that's what I've read) so if I can just do this for April, then chances are I'll be used to it.

I've been working out to 'Carmen Electra's Strip Aerobics.' Oh I know what you're thinking. "HA. What a work out! NOT." But let me tell you one of my personal philosophies. Don't bash it until you've tried it. There is a disc in her series that has her personal trainer on it, showing you various core exercises. There's a program you can select that says '30 minute total body workout.'

And it means total body workout. It targets each area of your body: legs, glutes, arms, stomach, chest, etc. So even though I was super sore from two days ago, I toughened up and took one for the team.

An interesting thing occured and helped me motivate myself. All I had to do was think of why I was doing this. First I thought of other people, and all the put-downs they had ever said about my weight. That got me fired up! But then I stopped and paused the video. I wasn't going to continue if this was for everyone else. So I refocused. I am doing this for myself, first and foremost. (Showing the others that I can do it, is just the icing on the cake).

I realize how much I am in need to be healthier and how much better my quality of life can be if I would just take care of myself. Not to mention the fact that I will make things easier for myself as I grow older.

It's hard getting back on track after being on the sidelines for so long, but...you know what? I'm proud of myself, and besides. Life is there for us to live, it isn't there for us to observe.

So I've stopped observing.

and I'm beginning to live.

Work Regime, Day 1.

Hello...to...anyone who's reading this. Not that I really think there's anyone out there who is pouring over my every word about Exercise.

Never-the-less, here I am. I'm trying going to be exercising four times a week, every week in april, and then after that it's all down hill from there. It all becomes habit (after 21 days) or so I've heard.

You know the funny thing is, I'm really starting to get a different view about my life, and I swore to myself that I wouldn't. Not because having a different view is bad, it's just that I didn't think it would happen. I thought I would view exercising the way I always have: with distaste.

But it turns out the only thing I'm looking at with distaste now-a-days is my own body. So I'm taking into account all the health stuff that is drummed into us by all those 'health-nuts' and running with it. I'm going to bed earlier, I'm not drinking soda, I'm not eating anything after seven and I'm working out at LEAST three times a week for thirty minutes.

Before we get too off-hand, let me just say 'Don't you just LOVE that guy in the picture?' I've decided to start motivating myself by visualizing the type of body I want. I want to look like that, and of course I know it will take more than a month, but I want to get on the road to becoming that.

I graduate in early may, and I turn 18 in early may as well. Then I go off and start Jeremie's Awesome Adventure in college, due August. So with all these changes happening, I thought, 'heck, why not change with the times?' and so here I am.

Though I'm not kidding myself. I know it isn't going to be easy. That point was proven to me today by my first work out getting back in the saddle. God it killed me. I wanted to just keel over and throw up, then pass out. Then several hours later regain consciousness, throw up again and then die.

But really, it is time I started being more adult about the things in my life. So far I've coasted through things: My grades, my job, my weight. I've just let all these things slide to a point where, if someone were scrutinizing my life, they would think I didn't care about myself. Not true.

For a while I didn't really care, but we all have those rough patches. I was getting over a bad ''break-up'' to be honest. Which wasn't really a break up because I wasn't in a relationship with the other person, but I was actually in love with someone who didn't return my feelings.

Now I've made a great...RETURN! With homework and play practice and all that in between, I'm fitting in an exercise regime. I must be out of my fxcking mind. No but really, to motivate myself, I'm using the ever popular 'Nike' phrase that got some lucky advertising bastard a million dollar raise (probably) "Just Do It".

I'm going to keep a record of this month, to prove to myself and to others that I can do this. I will no longer be called an ogre, I will no longer be ashamed to take off my shirt at a pool. I will flirt with any outrageously cute guy I want. But most importantly, I will begin to find the beauty in myself.

To conclude, I'm ready for this now. Are you?